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Rumbles of an Insomniac

It’s 4 A.M suddenly you wake up, the room is dark yet lit with a tint of green, from that feeble LED of your air conditioner. The Space is shrouded in serene calmness, breached only by occasional gusts of wind rattling against the window pane. Those wall hanging look irksome from an ominous tint of green. The familiar shapes seem to have morphed into something alien. Occasionally the ceiling is flooded with shades of yellow, lurking out from the top of the curtain, hiding you from the outside world. These yellow streaks paint distorted figurines that crisscross from one corner of the room to the other. Followed by a muffled but, distinct rumble moving away from you.
You close your eyes only to open them again as if taking a mental picture of this surreal moment. Your focus is now affixed to a strange, yet calming rhythmic throbbing. Trying to figure its source you hold your breath only to realize it was you; That Rhythm is your heart. You continue to listen to it, only to be disrupted, when you gasp for your breath.
Again you lie perfectly still gazing into the tints of green on the ceiling like a moth enticed by the flame, contemplating your existential existence. Slowly drifting into the nostalgia of past. Thinking of friends lost, goof-ups in school and screw-ups of college. While the resentments for opportunities lost, drown you into a faded, washed out and muffled flashback. A flashback that overwhelms your subconscious, drenching it with the realization of loss and pain. Your thought train is now off the rails. But, the calmness of night lures you back into the terms with reality, reassuring you of a brighter future. A future of which you are as weary as of the past but still as sure as of the present.
This turmoil of emotions has ignited a strange craving for food. It seems your mind is playing tricks and is somehow misinterpreting emotional void as metabolic need. Now you must jostle that owl off your shoulder and set out on a prowl to hunt for food. You fumble your way across the room into the pitch black hallway making your way to the kitchen off of the mental map. A strange itch accompanied by the butterflies in the stomach, from the anticipation that, you might run into that expensive vase in the hallway or maybe hit your head into a wall or something gains upon you. Finally, you reach the kitchen. Start by raiding the fridge and all the know stashes of motherly love. Only to settle for a stale piece of crap.
Now you are back in your cave, nibbling off that crap whilst fiddling with night lamp making funny shadows on the wall. All the mental commotion, anxiety and nostalgia have subsided. You are now struggling to get that tune out of your head, counting hours of sleep left before you have to wake up and face that torturous world again………zzzzzzzz….zzzzzzz.
Though darkness is evil, the darkness of night is not necessarily the one.
In fact, I think that it’s the darkness of night that wakes the subconscious.
Jostles your fear, giving way to courage.
After all, the millions of years of evolution were to help your ancient self, survive the hostility of night.
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A letter to Destiny

To Destiny
Cloud Nine, Kismat Lane,
Opp. Luck, Fate —101
Neverland

Dear Destiny,

It’s been ages! How are you? Or rather, where have you been??

I know you may not remember me as our paths have not crossed since our first encounter but please bare with me. This may jog your memory. I am that same weird lump hanging upside down, naked, crying while a strange creature was smacking my tushy; “Ankit”. In fact, you were the love at first sight for my mom since she saw you there.

First, I must admit, I have since, I was a kid wondered why or what did you promised her during that meeting that she fell for you much harder for you than I ever did. Many times, I wish I could go back to that room and listen to your conversation with her. Even though 20, 25 odd years have passed this question and a few others still perplexes me. Thus, to crush the curiosity bug in my grey matter I am writing this letter to you.

Anyways, I am getting ahead of myself. What I want to tell you is that there is no place in the world that I haven’t looked for you. Ironically, I stumbled upon your address when I abandoned the accepted societal myth, that only those who fell into the chasm of the rat race for money, fame, and success will ever find you. Therefore, you may rest assured I won’t grill you about money or fame.

So, here goes.

Every myth I have ever heard about you had these things in common:
1. Only you and, you alone determine the success
2. You are elusive
3. No amount of Hard work or toil can change you.

Are they true? I need an answer from the horse’s mouth.

Because in my opinion its other way around. I believe only hard work and dedication can seduce success, you are merely an auditor who can easily be bribed by dedication and determination. I don’t know why, every time I see a post on Facebook praising you, every time I see couples on Instagram posting wedding pics hailing you. I smile, I smile sarcastically. Am I broken? or is this out of jealousy! Please, break it down for me.

How! can you be elusive? If, every damm ape assumes (that too, right from birth) that he/she is destined to be rich, famous and successful. Everrry…time, I zorb through snap chats or hashtags all I ever see are hordes of witless and phonies sighting you as their best pal. Which makes me wonder, have I been living under a rock that I didn’t even receive a postcard from you in all these years. Not that I am complaining or am mad at you. But at least a hello couldn’t have hurt. Anyhow, I hope and wish that you remain lifelong friends with them. I am really very proud of you for stepping up for them. Though I miss you but am content with my Tweedle-dee [hard work] and Tweedle-dum [hope and aspirations] for now.

Ok, before I forget. What did you say to my mom during that meeting that made her fell in love with you? I have only heard her version of things. According to her, you told her a secret. Which was “If, I ever didn’t feel happy or life seemed to be slightly dim then I must remember, it’s temporary as you[destiny] are just testing my worthiness since you[destiny] have big plans for me”.

Considering you two haven’t met or talked in ages since that last encounter, I think, your exact words were lost in translation. Correct me if my version of things is wrong. But, I think you might have said, something on these lines “Even though you[destiny] have big plans and hopes for me but only my inner conviction and perseverance will help me achieve what you[destiny] have planned for me.”

All, these years while searching for you, have made me realize. That life is meant to be hard but even a vague promise by a compassionate stranger [stranger being you] can make it extraordinary in the hopes that maybe he is seeing something good that we are still to experience or stumble upon. These promises may last a lifetime or become distant memories. But you know what? It’s okay because at least it provides solace in the fact that Sometimes life just gets in the way but still we must continue growing up and changing ourselves.

Remember, i will always be waiting for the day to be your host. And, thanks for not dozing off like ross while reading this letter in which I have rambled on for 2 pages “FRONT AND BACK”!!!!! 😊

Yours,
Ankit

If Undelivered Please return :
To, Ankit
Third Rock from the Sun,
by the ocean of opportunities,
on the boat of hope,
paddling away with oars of success

What is Truth | Part 1

FeaturedWhat is Truth | Part 1

The truth will set you free. I never got it!! How can truth set you free when truth itself is bound by the gordian knot to lies. Truth and lie have a symbiotic relationship one cannot exist without other. The truth is just for balancing things as truth is never good. It always backfires and plunges you into the inferno of hell. Believe me, you, If everyone were to speak the truth all the time then the world would have annihilated itself long ago. Tell me have you ever encountered truth being prefixed with adjectives like sweet, beautiful or lenient; Its has and will always be prefixed with adjectives like bitter, ugly or harsh.
The fact is that truth is not always the best version of things nor Is the worst but is struck somewhere in between. Interestingly, all version of lies is always the same as it is coordinated and pre-planned but this can never be the case with truth. There are always different versions of the truth. Your version of the truth may be different from mine. The truth is always lost in translation.

We, humans, are hard wired for lies. Even if we describe events that we saw or experienced ourselves we subconsciously add events or sequence of events that didn’t even happen. It can rightly be said that There is no whole truth, All truths are half truths. I often wonder why do people say god is truth. How can an entity whose existence has not been proven or may never be is regarded as truth? This statement itself paints the conundrum that truth poses and reveals the flawed logic in truth. As we all know, the truth can never stand on its own. It always seeks approval or needs proof for it to be considered as truth. This convoluted logic has imprisoned truth for eternity.

Nobel laureate André Gide once said “Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.”

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To be continued……. As Truth still deserves to be heard and remembered.

Read Part 2 here : What is truth | Part 2

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What is Faith

Human beings in a mob

What’s a mob to a king? What’s a king to a god?

What’s a god to a non-believer who don’t believe in anything?

Will he make it out alive? Alright, alright, no church in the wild

 

 Is it an unjustifiable urge in believing someone or observing an obligation to something without questioning its metaphysical existence or autonomy. A placebo inspected by humanity in an endeavor to escape from true nature of things. Or perhaps an ideology or proof of concept for assurance of things hoped for or an evidence of things not seen.

Whatever it may be, one is certain; it is definitely not related to religion. The religious aspect of faith has only been evident from last 7 centuries and is largely responsible for the introduction of the “blind” as a prefix to it. This prefix has poisoned it roots from pagan and dharmic contexts.

I believe that we only show faith in things for which there is no evidence or things we cannot see or have not seen; but as soon as evidence is made available no one dares to speak of “Faith” suddenly it’s substituted with words like confidence, certainty or sureness. The introduction of evidence shatters the charms or aura of faith. Tell me, where is! the talk of faith when it comes to gravity, two two’s are four or that some day one is bound to die. We drag faith out of its coveted shell only when we wish to substitute emotions for evidence.

It aptly said: “The substitution of emotion for evidence leads to strife”, as emotions always change on individual or group perspectives. Hindus may have faith in Rebirth, A Christian may show similar faith in resurrection as a Muslim would in virgins of Heaven or communists in Marxism or an optimist in utopia. But can this faith be defended rationally; No! it cannot be hence it is defended by irrational justifications, propaganda and if necessary by war. Faith has always be equated to confidence on one’s perceived degree of warrant and almost always depend on context. Faith is not only fideism or obedience to a set of rules or statements we must conceive and understand what and why is it required, as having faith without understanding is blind faith which is not true and fair to laws of nature. Evidently introducing “Faith” in a conversation is the best method of avoiding intelligent and intellectual discussions which are resonated by the fact that the root word for faith is “pistis” meaning “to be persuaded”.

Richard Dawkins once said:

” Faith is a process of active non-thinking, a practice that only degrades our understanding of the natural world by allowing anyone to make a claims solely on their personal thoughts, and possibly distorted perceptions as it does not require testing against nature, has no ability to make consistent predictions, and is not subject to peer review”

 

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DHARMA vs RELIGION

Interestingly, oldest religions or dharmic religions as opposed to Abrahamic ones address faith with an undertone of philosophy and argue that faith or belief depends, less on strengths of evidence but more on the weight of idea that it represents. They say faith is courage as well as resolution, it’s steadfast and often leads to enlightenment. They encourage to question faith, investigate its validity as for them it is rooted more in curiosity than on or around god.

Faith for me is all about conscious knowledge, good deeds, obedience, in-depth understanding, convictions in things, determinations in seeking goals and the joy of the drive to enlightenment.

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The Cycle of Faith in Religion Compared to Phases in Life

Faith is a principle of action and power

Whenever we work toward a worthy goal, we exercise faith

What is Life

FeaturedWhat is Life

What is life: A big abyss full of unrealised dreams and shattered hope. You get by daily thinking the next day will be better than the one today. But that day never comes. You spend a lifetime trying to comprehend the mere grandness or the sheer scale on this abyss but always standing at the ledge never trying to reach the bottom of it to piece together those hopes and dreams. You always strive to end the slumber that you are in and take a dip into that rabbit hole to get reincarnated but never going through with it. Because you know It takes the will of steel and wit of a child to even garner courage to peer into that bleak hole. There’s always a voice inside telling you not to bother but the there a world shouting at you to just jump into that never ending blackness. You think you are content without exploring but at the same time you are more curious than a 2 year old child. The sense of euphoria accompanied with endless emptiness is almost haunting. It’s like you are falling through a never ending stream of thoughts followed by a bright light that is almost blinding. 

But 

The moment you venture into this realm of emptiness you realise that its not all black but there’s something to it that is surreal almost dream like. A dream from which you don’t want to wake up. It’s like the adrenaline rush that fuels your inner self to go deeper. And as you go deeper you become more conscious and confident that you are the king of this realm and all you had to do was try what nobody ever tried. The moment you realise this you see the darkness giving way to light and that there’s a mirror at the bottom of this never ending Abyss. And It’s you looking at yourself staring at the sky from the bottom of a well. A vanilla sky full of hopes, dreams and aspirations. 
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What is satisfaction:

Do you think, such a thing really exists? Some people say they have seen or touched it but I think its all smoke no fire. I mean, just honestly have you ever seen this elusive beast yourself. No! you have only heard myths about it never facts.

I think it’s one of the most coveted secret guarded closely by oligarch of the puppeteer that people over millennia have called God. Just think about it if this secret were ever to come out will his kingdom survive. After all, he thrives off the prayers generated out of misery, not on the thanks from satisfaction. If someone says he’s satisfied I recommend to get as far as possible from that person. Believe you me that person will eventually ask you to donate all your worldly possession to him so that you can also have stratification. It’s just one of those terms created by society to provide a false sense of security or something to keep you shackled to the pursuit of an equally ridiculous concept called money.

It’s like one of those rare gems, surely to cause pillage on its way. It is like a sorcerer, always seeking ways to torture or chain you up. If you want to get out of its wretched grip, then you gotta be a rebellion. Once you give into its devotion, its detrimental dysfunction, slowing rushing you to destruction, you are liable to get alienated. Because face it society is a two faced bitch. No matter how much it raves for satisfaction. It likes no one who is satisfied. They won’t hesitate to shut you out, with no recourse at all. But to some extent, their anxiety is rightly pointed. It’s a fact satisfaction eventually lead to clogging of progress.

Image result for meme on satisfaction

If you are satisfied with what you have, then what’s the need to innovate, deliberate or create. I would say satisfaction is and will always remain biased or a salve to the fabric of time. You may say, satisfaction is having the most exotic lunch box as a child, satisfaction is kissing your love as a teenager, satisfaction is buying a new car as a man or satisfaction is being with family when you grow old. I believe one should always stride towards success not for satisfaction but for gratification or just the thrills of it. The World may brand success as addictive but its a good addiction not like the necromancer that satisfaction is.

Dear destiny, 

How you or more importantly where are you. Its been ages since we first meet in the hospital during my birth. You introduced yourself with so much brightness and exuberance. Even tough I couldn’t introduce my self back then but today I am writing this letter to you as I think it’s time we should meet again. up.  Don’t you worry I won’t grill you about my life or money.  Your reputation precedes you, 

I have heard so much praises about you over these 20-25 odd years that I wonder…. 

Readers please advice on this???

A letter to Destiny

What is Sympathy

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Its toxic, obnoxious and crap. It makes the whole concept of selfless deed go into the popper. Tell me, how a concept that  can mainly be described as powerful helping the vulnerable be good. In my theory, sympathy is what has precisely helped the powerful get leverage over the vulnerable, a theory proved right time and again by history. Sympathy is always linked to personal rewards. People have sympathetic responses particularly for somebody who is connected to them in some way. A sympathizer always weighs the personal rewards (whether its monetary or social) much more than the actual bliss of helping someone out of respect or empathy for them. I believe sympathy is more of a trait than a virtue.

Just think about it, if you have a sympathetic response towards a horrific event will that remain same if you have subsequent experiences of the same horrific event. Sympathy is self-satisfying and is ruled by interdependence. It’s more of a lubricant to social cog wheels rather than the fuel that drives the engine.

My motto in life is “Empathy is real, sympathy is bullshit”. If you cannot comprehend someone’s misery than at least don’t disrespect it with the charade of sympathy. I have encountered people who will say, they are sympathetic to your cause but what they actually mean is; “Finally! I will get some good fodder out of it to pawn off on social media for an ounce of awe from equally bankrupt social circle”.

Sympathy doesn’t mean that the sympathizer is sharing or feeling your pain. It just means that the sympathizer sees your pain and is glad that he doesn’t have to face it. A fact that can be socially tested if you share your pain and anger to a real friend he will blatantly but genuinely try to be there for you. But, share it with one of those phony kinds and they will provide you with equally phony advises. The best friend always bashes you but theirs’ genuine love in there, but a phony will bash just of the laughs or out of malice.

Last thought to ponder. Parents are the epitome of empathy; but more often than not, you can find children who just offer sympathy for their endurances and sacrifices.

What is truth | Part 2

For Time is truth, the only one that matters as truth;

Time is pure and unbiased but is Ugly, bitter and harsh as the truth;

For truth may be, tumultuous or treacherous it still deserves to be heard and remembered;

Mother’s love for her children is truth, as is a child’s cry for mother is truth;

Life is truth so is death, pain is truth as is pleasure;

Go ask a dying man, every breath is truth. 

People spend eternity in pursuit of truth but naively they never consider that being alive is truth;

Every lie we spun is essentially a fiction of truth. 

Truth is all around us, You just need eyes good enough to see the light in truth.

For a lie may live a lifetime but it can never replace the truth.

The irony of a lie is that if people believe in it, it also becomes the truth. 

God may not be truth but nature sure is truth;

Genesis may not be truth but evolution sure is truth.

For I may not say the truth but one must listen for the truth; 

Because truth is truth and nothing can beat the truth. 

Read the first part here : What is truth | Part 1